She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
