I faked an abortion last night.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm sobbing to NWA
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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