I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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