While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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