I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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