I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
