Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
