The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
