I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize