I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
