So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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