Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
