hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
