Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
