someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
