She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
