note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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