i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
