Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
