Kiss
Puke
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
