His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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