he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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