I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
