Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
me + whiskey = a bad person
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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