The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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