i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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