I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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