I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
