Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
