I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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