This is not my ceiling
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
