I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
