I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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