"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
