true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
