I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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