I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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