I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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