Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize