I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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