and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
