you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
