I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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