Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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