Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
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