I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
