Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
