My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
