I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
