The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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