When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm always down for nudity.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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