hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You are the jesus of drinking
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
