he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
So squirting runs in the family.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
