So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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