I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
