listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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