C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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