so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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