I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
