Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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