I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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