I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
