I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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