After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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