Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
