sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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