Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
