So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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