the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
