You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
