I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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