planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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