I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm too high and old for this...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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