I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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