Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
