mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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