Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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