Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
